


At A Birthday Party

by Xperine



Series: The Adventures of Kylo Ren: Dark Leader of the Knights of Ren, Grandson of the Coolest Sith Ever, and All Around Totally Shredded Badass -By Kylo Ren [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Birthday Party, Drinking, Humor, M/M, Noooo, Pantsing, Pet Names, Sorry Not Sorry, The Force, fake rules, gurl, humor me please, i know they are different timelines and they don't mention him but still, i wish i could think of a better title, jUST IMAGINE, messed up timelines, star wars rebels characters in the new ones, very drunk people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 00:04:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10582251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xperine/pseuds/Xperine
Summary: A quiet evening is ripped away from our poor, responsible, super sexy protagonist Kylo Ren. At an officer's birthday, Phasma and Hux might have had too much to drink. Waaaaay to much. And a visiting admiral is not pleased with their antics. Time to make sure they don't get murdered.A completely true and I'll kill you if you disagree autobiography by Kylo Ren.





	

Kylo was looking forward to a nice relaxing evening. He had his book, “The History of the Empire in 102 Different Explosives”, his chamomile tea, and his manly light red ewok bunny slippers. (Some people will tell you light red is actually pink. Don’t listen to them. They are trying to seduce you to the light side. Light red is super duper evil. Pink is not as much so.) But of course like THAT was going to happen. In about three seconds someone was going to come in through the door and send him on some stupid mission and-

“Ren darling!”

Thought so. He looked up towards the door.

“Phasma. Have you by any chance been drinking again?”

“What? Noooo! Ha ha! Nooooooooo! Noooooooooooo!” She seemed very pleased with herself. She took a swig of her beverage. “NOOOOOOO” She staggered a little, her helmet was under one arm and a glass of something in the other. It must be some officer’s birthday. She was wearing a purple party hat on her head. And definitely drunk.

“Ren hun bun, I have a teeny weeny itsy bitsy little problem.”

“Phasma.” he said harshly. “Don’t call me that. And stop drinking!”

“Ok, Ren dear” she said, taking another swig. “You know, you should really come join the party. Lots of fun, darling”

“Phas-”

“Oh, yeah! Back to what I was saying. You know that officer who is like, super duper serious all the time? Oh wait. That doesn’t help, does it?” she giggled to herself. She had a huge smile on her face. “You’re going to love this. So, after the whole pinata thing -or was it before?”

“Phasma, what did you do?”

“Oh, nothing Ren-muffin!” she smiled innocently. Or tried to. She almost fell over again. “Except for the part that I maybe, accidentally, on purpose pantsed someone.” She fell back on the floor of his room and giggled.

“Wait. You pantsed them?”

Phasma nodded laughing, taking yet another swig from her glass.

“You pantsed them. Like, you pulled down their pants and showed everyone their underwear?”

She grinned again. “Oh, it was great darling! I made it look as though I tripped and everything! So everyone would think it's an accident!”

“Phasma. You pantsed someone.”

She gasped for air and continued laughing. “Yes! Try to keep up! It was covered with hearts and everything!”

“Phasma, who did you pants?”

She sighed out of exhaustion. “Oh, his name was lobster, or shrimp or something. No! Prawn, that's who it was! Grand Admiral Prawn!” She started laughing again.

“Phasma. Do you mean Thrawn? Grand Admiral THRAWN?”

“Yeah, yeah that one! Prawn, not the first one, the second one who’s just like his father! The one who’s blue and talks like he’s in the library all the time! That’s the one! And now,” she was laughing so hard she spilled her drink a little. “Now he totally wants to kill me! He chasing me right now, the dofus!” she slapped her leg. “He’ll never find me! It’s hilarious! Hux told him I was in the hull of the cruiser!”

“Oh no. Hux is involved too?” These were two people on the ship should never, ever be given alcohol. “Please tell me Hux is not as drunk as you are”

Phasma waved her hand in the air. “No no, honey! Don’t worry your pretty little head! The little angel’s only had a few of those really, really tiny glasses!”

This was not very good. “How many would you call a few, Phasma?”

“Oh, I don’t know” she said thinking. She looked at her fingers. “Maybe five, six? Ten?!? Who’s counting?”

“PHASMA!”

“Oooo! You’re so loud! Calm down, dearie! Prawn’s leaving tonight anyway, he’s only here to refuel! It’ll be fine!”

“I told you to limit yourself! You’re always getting in trouble when you're drunk!

“Oh, shut up you angry meiloorun! I’m having a great time! Here” she stood up. “Have some of this, it's great” she shoved her almost empty cup in his direction.

He moved away. “No, no, Phasma, that’s sweet, but really, let’s focus on you _not_ being killed by Thrawn tonight please? You know he trains on attack droides for combat practice.”

“Pssh” she said, “Attack droids are easy.” Her face was very red. “I’ve taken those. Hux has taken those. I’ve taken Hux. You got that big glowy thing..." 

“It's a lightsaber, Phasma” 

__She yawned. “Oh Prawn, Thrawn, Lightsaber, glow-stick. Same thing.” Her eyes lit up. “What's that in the cup?” she reached for the mug near his bed._ _

__He grabbed it away from her. “It’s tea, Phasma.” He stood up and brushed himself off. His quiet evening was long gone. “Let’s go get you and General Hot Mess out of the party before you do anything even stupider.”_ _

__“Oooooo!” Phasma’s eyes narrowed playfully. “General Hot Mess? Did you just say that Hux was hot? I can totally set you two up.”_ _

__“You are far too drunk, Phasma”_ _

__“Hux and Kylo sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I...-I-S-I-i...” Phasma lost track of her song. But that didn’t stop her from trying to sing it all the way down the corridor. They approached the loud music of the party and entered. Phasma popped her head around Kylo’s back so she could see Hux over by the snack table._ _

__“Hey guuuuurl!!!!!” she called out enthusiastically to Hux._ _

__His face lit up. “Gurlllllllll where you been?! I looked all over for you. Blue dude has been gone forever!"_ _

__They did their best to stagger towards each other._ _

__“Gurl, Kylo said you were hot!”_ _

__“Gurl, no way!! Really?”_ _

__“Totes, gurl!!”_ _

__“EEEEEEEEE!!” They both squealed and jumped up and down laughing._ _

__Hux had definitely more shots than Kylo had expected. “Why are you calling each other ‘gurl’?”_ _

__Phasma looked at Hux. “Gurl he don’t understand us.”_ _

__“Gurl”_ _

__“Gurl”_ _

__“EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” They both squealed again._ _

__“Alright you two. Party’s over. Go back to your rooms. I’ll take you actually. I’m not sure you’ll make it alone.” It was so annoying being the responsible one. He much preferred it when he could destroy things and not have to worry about others._ _

__“Oooooo how romantic!” said Hux. Kylo was getting sick of this. And no, he was not blushing. Kylo is a cold-blooded sith lord who does not secretly have a crush on his most hated friend. How silly of you to think such things. It was just kind of warm in the party room. That’s all. Yeah._ _

__They arrived at Phasma's and Hux’s rooms which were right next to each other._ _

__“All right Phasma. Get a good night’s sleep.” Kylo opened the door to her room._ _

__“Ok Kylo, but you’re no fun sometimes.”_ _

__“Well, sometimes it's better not to get sworn enemies by pantsing them in public.”_ _

__“Yes, Captain Phasma.” A silky, unsettling voice crept out of her dark room. "You should listen to Lord Ren. ‘Pantsing’ first order officers is not a good choice if you wish to continue breathing.”_ _

__Phasma burped a little. Hux looked at Phasma with a ridiculous grin. “Gurl, he bypassed your security code and snuck into your roooooooom...”_ _

__Phasma looked back at Hux. “Gurl, I know”_ _

__“What a creep, gurl”_ _

__“Gurl I know”_ _

__“Gurl”_ _

"Gurl" 

__“Stop your foolishness. I am here to extract vengeance from Captain Phasma for her unprofessional behavior.”_ _

__“Stop your foolishness,” Phasma mimicked in a high pitched voice “I am here to extract vengeance from Captain Phasma for her unprofessional behavior!”_ _

__Hux fell on the floor and burst out laughing._ _

__“Cease this incessant nonsense and face your fate”_ _

__“Cease this incessant nonsense and face your fate!” Phasma burst out laughing again and fell on the floor with Hux._ _

__“And, and” said Hux, wiping a tear from his eyes, “do you know what makes it even more funny? It’s totally against the First Order Code book to kill an officer two ranks away from your position without the permission of Snoke! You could totally have him fired!_ _

__“GURL!” they both continued laughing._ _

__"Unless of course you're part of the branch that uses the force, then you can totally kill anyone!_ _

__Thrawn paled a little. That was true. Kylo thought this brief silence would be a good time to intervene. He waved his hand in front of Thrawn. “This is not the captain you're looking for”_ _

__Thrawn’s slightly angry face fell neutral.“This is not the captain mine looking for”_ _

__“You will go back to your refueled ship and not remember having your pants pulled down”_ _

__“I will go back to my refueled ship and not remember having my pants pulled down”_ _

__And you’re a huge moof-milker !” added Phasma loudly_ _

__“And I’m a huge moof-milker” Both phasma and Hux were rolling around the floor._ _

__Thrawn walked calmly out of the room. Hmm. That shouldn’t have worked if Phasma said it. Oh well. The force works in mysterious ways._ _

__“My hero!” cried Hux dramatically, he leaped into Kylo’s arms, wrapping his hands around his head, and kissed him. It was a massive smack on the lips. “Good night cutie! Good night, Phasma-plasma!” he jumped down and pranced into his room as best he could._ _

__Kylo walked out, stunned. The kiss had taken him by surprise. He walked back to his room, and while he did so he hear Phasma and Hux yelling to each other through the wall._ _

__“Gurl, that was so anticlimactic!”_ _

__“I know gurl. But he kissed me!_ _

__“Gurl I know”_ _

__"Gurl"_ _

__“Gurl”_ _

__“EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!”_ _

__Kylo put his head in his hands. Why? Why did they get so weird when they were drunk? He walked back to his room and sat on his bed. He looked up for a moment. Grand Admiral Thrawn was standing in the doorway._ _

“You can’t have been so stupid to think that would work on someone with as strong a mind as me, could you? And because you're in the other branch, you can also _be_ killed. How dare y-” 

__“OH SHUT UP YOU BIG FART” screamed Kylo. He had had enough. He was sick. He just wanted to drink his tea in peace. “GO BACK TO YOUR SHIP AND LEAVE ME ALONE” He chucked his mug at the door. Thrawn stepped back to avoid it, and Kylo force-closed and locked the door in Thrawn’s face. “GO WHINE SOMEWHERE ELSE, I'M GOING TO SLEEP”_ _

__Kylo needed a vacation._ _

__He sighed, taking a deep calming breath. At least Hux and Phasma wouldn't remember what happened. They would have terrible headaches in the morning. Still, Kylo wasn’t sure he could ever look Hux in the eyes again. Not after that kiss. Kylo shivered and DID NOT BLUSH. He didn’t want to think about it. He pulled down his hood. He also DID NOT smile. Not at all._ _

But Hux _did_ say he was cute... 

__

 

OH WHAT TRIALS I HAVE FACED IN MY LIFE! Let me tell you, that was a weird day. Now I am very happy I wear a robe instead of pants. Phasma might have gotten me first. I, the responsible friend, took take of the two inebriates. Phasma and Hux didn’t remember it (thank the dark side), and we haven’t seen Thrawn since. He must have returned after his ship refueled. Oh kriff. I just wrote this down, didn’t I? Shoot. Now I just need to make sure Hux and Phasma never ever read this or they would try to murder me. They would not like this to be widely known. OH HI PHASMA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HAHA, OH NOTHING. GO AWAY PLEASE. WHAT. NO!! STOP!! WAIT! OH MY GOODNESS WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU!!? *slam* That was close. Anyway, no matter what Hux or Phasma try to tell you about this, they're lying. This is totally how it happened and I'll kill you if you disagree.

**Author's Note:**

> Have a nice day! And make sure you don't fall into a fan fiction hole. I've done it. Hours vanish away.  
> Honestly though, if you just read this you're in pretty deep. Phasma pantsing people. Wow.
> 
> Whatever I had fun. <3


End file.
